artist's impression

For some reason, I always take it as a compliment to receive an insult.
It's as if I feel valued they've gone to the trouble.
A friend at work used to come out with some classics, someone asked me how I put up with him, I said I'd heard worse than he could imagine, so anything he came out with wasn't going to bother me. A particular favourite was to be likened to Dorian Gray, "I bet you've got a portrait up in the attic that's horrible and depraved, that's how you manage to look so young and innocent", frankly that seemed quite a compliment, as if anything I'd have said the reverse was true.
However, now I come to think of it, it's the picture I see in the mirror, not me, the victim of other people's intransigence, intolerance, selfishness, never my own fault. The me that is behind the picture is quite different.
Another friend, who has learned to stand a bit further away and precis statements with "you're not going to want to hear this.." once caught me in a self-pitying mode along the lines of "was it something I got all wrong? Or was it just not meant to be?", "Which would you prefer?", no answer to that.
I'd been going down the route of apologetics, it wasn't really my fault, I'm no worse than anyone else (or no better), it's one of those things, and I seem to be travelling faster and faster towards somewhere I don't want to be. It's hard to feel loved when you feel unloveable, and to believe you are loveable you need to feel loved. I can't feel loved when I'm hiding behind the picture, so the first step is to come out of its shadow.
"people who are well do not need a doctor, only those who are sick"

Why do I need a doctor, I am no more sick than anyone? And yet I'm scared of being judged, scared of not being good enough. Weeks, months, years pass and then I take the first step. It's an effort at first, I don't belong and I feel like I'm out of place. I imagine no-one else can have felt so low, I don't want to be a part of something for fear of it being tainted by me. Gradually that fades, but I keep hold of an abstract design to ward off the danger of painting another portrait once more.